I’ve been avoiding writing.
Even as I type those words, I want to rush in with a rationalization, some way of mitigating the stark reality, but that would be cheating.
Because I haven’t been writing. And even though I’ve been busy, I have had the time to write.
I haven’t, because I’ve been avoiding it.
I tend to use this blog as a forum to collect my thoughts. Writing gives me the chance to sit back and organize what I have been thinking and feeling. It helps me recognize where I’m at.
But I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve been avoiding taking the time to collect myself.
Which I’m finding to be a bit embarrassing.
Because I’m not out of touch with myself – I’m attempting not to acknowledge myself. And that seems rather juvenile.
But ignoring my thoughts won’t change them or make them go away, it only makes me feel more frustrated with myself. So I’m going to do my best today, to come to terms with what exactly has been going on.
It’s not that hard to figure it out -I’ve been feeling small.
Not in a sad way, or in a bad way.
I’ve been wanting more. I’ve been wanting to feel bigger. I’ve been wanting to feel better.
I’ve been making all sorts of plans, and have actually begun to follow through on some of them.
I’ve been feeling excited and filled with possibility.
I’ve begun to sing again. Really sing. I’m feeling like a musician, something I haven’t truly felt for years.
I’ve been dreaming of volunteer projects, benefit concerts, and even starting my own non-profit.
More than dreaming, I’ve been planning.
And I have felt amazing, fuelled with passion and drive, looking forwards to all of the incredible things the future has to offer.
It’s been wonderful.
But I haven’t been writing.
It’s strange, you’d think that with so much excitement I would rush to share my thoughts, my exhilaration.
But I haven’t, because I’ve been feeling small.
As my hopes and dreams and plans balloon in front of me, I can’t help but feel that I’ll be so much more in the future. When my work comes to fruition, I’ll be bigger and better.
But in the meantime, my plans to grow leave me feeling like I need to grow. That I will be something, but I’m not there yet. That I am small.
I’m happy and exhilarated, but not about the present. Not about my current self.
And so I’ve been avoiding writing.
Avoiding acknowledging where I’m at right now.
But I need to get over it. I need to get over myself and how small I feel, because I have work to do. I have work to do today and tomorrow and every day and that work requires me to be big. It requires me to be great and powerful.
And so I’m done feeling small.
If I’m a seed, I’m one of those seeds filled with anti-oxidants – a super food. If I’m a plant, I’m Jack’s beanstalk, towering, but still growing.
I have so much ahead of me to explore.
And I am enough, today, to begin.