Spot

I feel like I’m spinning. The world is flying by quickly, too quickly, and everything’s a blur. I feel out of control. The world around me feels out of control.

I have bounced from activity to activity all week, barely able to catch my breath. And as I look ahead at my calendar, my days only seem to get more crowded with so many things to accomplish before I begin class in a mere two weeks. Before I take on a commitment, to be in a certain place at a certain time, three days a week, regardless of how I feel.

I must say, I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate knowing that if I need extra rest, it will be difficult to take it. That I will have to sacrifice a commitment.

And I’m scared. Terrified. I fear the speed. I fear twirling myself backwards. I fear tiring myself, when I have such delicate resources. I fear falling. I fear making the wrong decisions.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I find myself growing anxious through the day. I have bristled at the slightest comment.

Yesterday, I went for a walk. It was raining slightly, and cold, but nothing overly dramatic. I made it about 400m before I started to feel ill. My head pounded, the sounds around me were amplified, my body ached, and I was short of breath.

I couldn’t believe how awful I felt, especially considering the fact that the previous weekend I had hiked 6km and only really felt it on a steep hill towards the end.

But I couldn’t just give up. I had made a plan to walk.

And so I did. I moved incredibly slowly. But about a kilometre in, I started to feel a bit better. And as I kept walking my body started to ache in the right places. I started to feel tired in the right way.

I had lots of things on my list for the rest of the day. I accomplished a fair number of them. But I needed to take some time to rest. So I rearranged my plans, shifting activities.

And I’m okay.

I had an overwhelming day. I had been dreading it all week. But I made it through, no worse for wear. I actually enjoyed parts of it.

When I first attempted a pirouette in dance class, I lost my balance every time before completing the turn. My teachers told me that it was all about focus. I had to ‘spot’. To choose something to look at, and to keep my eyes on it as I turned. To let myself turn, without letting the world turn around me. 

I was also told that I had to trust myself. To trust in by ability to execute the turn, despite the blurred walls around me.

And maybe there’s a lesson there.

Maybe I need to choose something to focus on.

Maybe I can learn to move quickly and gracefully through my days without becoming dizzy.

Maybe my days can be steady.

Maybe my world can be steady.

Maybe it comes down to trust.